geez. so i finally hooked up internet at the apartment.  we've been here for seven months and we are just now getting internet....... hahaha... i guess that means you'll be hearing from me more often. .::hopefully that's a good thing::.

so school's been a major pain in the ass. im just getting over full blown flu and ear and sinus infections.  see... me and kathy have been passing a cold back and forth to each other since school started..... and finally, 2 fridays ago, i REALLY caught the bug.  i had fever, aches and pains, congestion, coughing, sneezing, and not to mention, plugged ears (the most uncomfortable part of it all).  so after two trips to the docotor, they finally got it right. i had a pretty aggressive ear infection, a slight sinus infection, and slight bronchitis. it was sad... i had phlegm coming from everywhere. eew. sorry to be gross. i was drugged and sleepy. needless to say, i missed school for an entire week, having to return prematurely for fear of falling too far behind. but that was inevitable..  i was quite behind, unable to understand much of the material that was covered.  but!....... im funally sorta up to speed.  ive taken care of the missed examS (yes, plural) and my missed labs. it just sucks coming back from bedrest only to be slapped in the face with test after test, and more tests next week and every week after that for the next 2 months....... yea... back to back... things have finally heated up at school.........

AND ive been enjoying the beautiful weather.  my flipflops have been missed terribly......

but that's about all that's been going on with me. im just trying to get by and improve so many habits that i have........ IM STILL WORKING ON IT.  i'll talk to you all later. hope all is well.

.::c::.

ps. have u seen my big??? i seem to have lost her!!!

.::ahem::. sorry ppl.  ive been so busy with school that i havent had any time to sit down at the comp for anything..... i havent even checked my email in like forever!!! haha... okay.... well im alive!!! sheesh! barely surviving! lol i hope everyone is well.  i know it's hard to find me ..... xanga and email are the best ways to track me down (twinklestar_88 @ hotmail.com)  ...... hope to hear from some of ya'll soon..... i should be online more often soon.  ttyl.

.::c::.

sheesh! sorry it's been so long since ive last blogged.  heheh. school has started and ive been soooooooo busy and preoccupied. 

so school's school. classes are gonna be a bitch this semester. 
Im taking:
...chem 30B 
       lecture MW 830-920
       lab T 230-520
...microbiology 20
       lecture MW 430-620 pm
       lab  MW  1130-100
...physiology
       lecture TR 12-115
       lab  T 730-1020
       seminar W230-320

so basically, im on campus from 7am to 630 or later in the pm Monday to Wednesday and on Thursdays, im there from 1130-230..... just for the hell of it. hahaha. shit. my classes seem really hard.  in each class, ive already covered A LOT of material and its only week 1 and a half  . i donno how imma keep up.... and i dont even know if i can be active/associate in APO this semester (and that makes me sad)  ... AND to top everything off..... ppl are scaring me, telling me im crazy for taking these three classes together..... my buddy kathy told me that her co-worker took all three classes but in different semesters, and all she could say was "youre crazy.... GOOD LUCK."..... BUT i have to think of the long term rewards of my so-called-life........ the sooner i get these bitch ass classes out of the way, the sooner i can apply to the nursing program.... the sooner i can apply and get into the program, the sooner i can graduate.... the sooner i can graduate, the soon i can get married and soak up the sun on my tropical honeymoon..... the sooner that happens, the sooner i can live happily ever after....   hahahah..... SOUNDS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE, DOESNT IT????? haha it's crazy but it's true.. that's all im holding on to........ so... if you hear me bitching... REMIND ME what the hell im doing all of this for! lol. okay, folks.... until next time......... ttyl

.::c::.

wow.. thank you all so much for your support and prayers. FORTUANATELY, the hearing has been postponed unitl further notice.  i guess there was some discrepency with who was actaully attending the hearing... the good news is that we have more time to churn our feelings and get our argument just right for the panel. the gift of time has become the thing i cherish most.  THANK YOU ALL AGAIN FOR YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS..... IT REALLY MEANS A LOT TO ME. will blog more later.... hope everyone is doing well

.::c::.

in the deepest darkest part of my heart and soul, i carry the memory of the loss of my grandfather.... revisiting that memory brings me back to a time of darkness, despair, fear and grief. being only nine years old at the time, i think i've blocked a lot of it out.... but the things i do remember stand out in traumatizing agony as the scariest thing ive ever had to face.......remembering the phone call of the beginning of the end for many of us..... the pale, waxy look of my grandfather in his casket...... the painful cries and wails of my family members...... the somber, chanting tone of our voices reciting the rosary.....his cold hands... his hard, slanted lips.... his regal uniform....watching my grandma endure my grandfather's death in the last way she ever thought possible..... seeing her hurting, aching for him..... being afraid to stand by a window... not being able to go in our front yard without an escort..... feeling isolated, alone, afraid, confused, and sad.

what did losing my grandfather mean? as a child, it meant losing a person that i admired and loved so much... losing someone i was just beginning to know so well....losing my truest definition of a grandfather... losing the only REAL grandfather i knew (aside from my "step" grandfather and my mother's father who still doesnt come close to the bond that i shared with my PAPA)......it meant really understanding that we are merely mortal and that death can come to anyone at any given time without ever knowing exactly when...... it meant rooting a deep faith in God.... it meant little bits of regret.....it meant NEVER forgetting the night such a wonderful man was stolen from all of our lives...... today it means bridging gaps that were made with his death....missing the things that we, as his children and grandchildren, only wish he could be here to experience with us..... wondering what would be different if he were still here..... missing the home that we ALL grew up in.... time.... distnace.....bittersweet memories.....

SO WHAT'S SPURRED THESE EMOTIONS, YOU SAY?  well... my family found out yesterday that the man who savagely took my grandfather's life is appealing for parole in a court hearing next wednesday..... we have all been asked to complie a list of some sort of the way that the crime has affected us as a family and affected us as individuals.... and what it will mean if my grandfather's murderer is released. trying to think of something important to say in court, i have been spurred into a fit of writing a jumble of emotions..... wanting to make an impact with the feelings that i feel, but keeping it concise is very hard because everything that has happened is so important in truly understanding how it has affected me and others as well.....what is even harder is taking intangible emotions and making them concrete.... putting them on paper is harder than physically experiencing them because finding the right words is difficult, and because reliving so many emotions that come along with making a simple list about how we have been affected is painful and frightening......

and now i think i am at a loss for words in my attempt to not be reptitive......... please pray for us.

SORRY TO RAMBLE.